Day 189 - Thursday, February 1, 2011

Whit stopped by RoTea today with some of his students. That was sweet of him to always try to bring business to my establishment. He didn't even ask for a discount either. I was in the office going through some paperwork with Lexi when Jessica, our hostess, popped her head in telling us that Mr. Cooper was having tea with a group of people.

It was so cool that my place transcended the idea that Tea with pastry is only intended for uppity women. I think it was because I made my facility cozy and cool, instead of cozy and feminine. There's nothing feminine about RoTea, but yet it is inviting. If you see it, you would want to sit and chat for hours at RoTea. We get tons of people coming here for first date as well. We'll take 'em all!

I told Jessica to bring them a treat plate on the house. Jonah was working on a Mascarpone bread pudding earlier served with caramel sauce and vanilla ice cream. It was damn yummy. Whit would totally love it.

My ex boyfriend, Whit, is such a brilliant man. He's a musical genius for one. I think he can play every musical instruments that are in existence. He specializes in classical guitar and piano. He teaches at the most prestigious Art School in the country, Jupiter. He's dashingly handsome with his long blonde hair, great grin, and a sexy bod for a music  teacher. He's got that California surfer dude look to him since that is who he was back in his younger days. He still looks it even when he chose to wear a jacket instead of a t-shirt and short.

I used to be so in love with him. I still love him now. I guess I just never really quit loving him. Though, I can't I say I am in love with him now, I still do care a whole lot for the dude. He's one of  the closest persons to me and he's been in my life forever. I actually stopped being so much in love with him when Edward came in to the picture. Somehow, Edward wiped all feelings and desires I have ever had for Whit. I think Whit knew that since our relationship definitely changed after Edward. Even though Edward is long gone now, things aren't what it used to.

When Edward was in the picture and when I started to realize I was losing the feeling for Whit; I actually was happy. It was about time I thought. It had been almost five years we went back and forth, on and off and it was tiresome. We just couldn't agree whether we wanted to be together or we wanted to go our separate ways. At the end, we kept on going back together - at times because we loved each other, and most of the time because we loved being with one another, wanting more of the mind-boggling sex we always had.

I couldn't deny I love sex with Whit. It was always awesome and satisfying. However, when I was with Eddie, somehow it topped it. It wasn't just sexual with Eddie. With Whit, since we broke up so many times though we understood underneath it all, we always had love between us, it was not intense anymore. I forgot how it felt having sex with Whit and being totally in love and devoted to him mind, body, and soul. I had all that with Ed. It was purely intoxicating hearing Eddie making love to me and whispering how much he loved me. It was even more gratifying that I felt the same exact feeling and having the desire of wanting to give all my life and soul to him. Every time we laid in each other's arms, sweating and panting and he would sigh as he caught his breath.."I love you... huh..." He would then kiss my forehead, and crack a smile as he cupped my cheeks, "That was amazing...you're amazing, baby."

Before I knew it, my tears pooled in my eyes. I couldn't think about Edward that way without tearing up over it. I should stop this thinking now. We were so so happy. All of a sudden, he was gone. Not much explanation except that he wanted some time to figure things out. I was so at awe when he told me that. I flew all the way to Brazil, to Rio, to be with him. We were supposed to have a week of pure bliss together over there. He was there in one of his expedition drilling for work. It took me umpteen efforts to get a week off from CULTure.

I got there and I sensed that things weren't the same. I felt it right away. I didn't get the big smile I would usually get and the big hug and kiss that would follow. Instead I got a head nod. I was so tired from the flight and I was so happy to see him. I thought he was just in one of his bad mood. I was hoping anyway. When we got to his hotel - he dropped the bomb on me. He even gave me the "it isn't you, it's me." line. My world came tumbling down. I got on the next plane back to JFK and I have never seen him since. He had to make me fly to Brazil to dump me. It was one of the coldest things anyone has ever done to me. He said it was important to do it in person. In that case, he should have flown to New York then.

I thought for sure we would have been together forever. I trusted all his words. He told me he wanted nothing more than to grow old with me by my side, with him by mine. He told me all those forever saying like he meant it almost every day in our 10 months together. I really thought God gave me my soul mate. He was my oldest oldest friend. I've never thought in a million year if we would ever break up it would have been the way it happened. I've never thought he would just gave me up for no apparent reason but just to move on with a local girl in Brazil. I didn't see it coming.

Stuff like that didn't happen in world. My world is always so controlled - I always knew what would happen and what I want to happen. Stuff like lying and cheating, or treating a friend badly do not coincide in my world. I surround myself with classy people who know right from wrong, who have integrity and honor of at least wanting to keep their reputation in tact. I surround myself with good kind-hearted people who are proud of who they are. I knew Edward for 13 years since college days. I really thought he was a gentleman with nice upbringing. When I met his family back in New Jersey, I couldn't sense that they raised an asshole. Was I wrong.

Whit was there for me through the hardest part of it all. He was so afraid of losing me completely when he sensed that Edward and I were serious. He lashed out when he found out; but, then he was happy for me realizing that I might have found a man who loved me and wanted to be committed to me. Whit never wanted to get married - that was another thing. I wanted the whole nine yard. Whit was traumatized by his parents' divorce. He always told me he was committed to me and he didn't get why I would need a piece of paper to prove it. Then, I  told him, if he was committed to me, what's a piece of paper to him. He just was afraid it would ruin everything. Little did he know that things were ruined anyway.

"Aren't you going to say hi to Whit?" Lexi said to me as she was stealing glimpse at my direction while typing away on the computer.
"Yeah, in a little bit." I said as I kept on perusing the procurement list.
"Are things ok between you two?"
"huh?" I looked up to see her. "Yeah...things are ok. There's nothing there." I said.
"I wish you two would just give in and get married." Lexi said. "I love Whit. He's good to you."
"He's better than some." I said. "But, he wouldn't marry me." I said as I looked at her straight. "You knew that, Lex." I said.
"He will come around eventually."
"You think I would wait for a man to come around to marry me?" I said. "I didn't wanna marry him. It's moot now." I said. "Maybe 3 years ago." I said. "Now? I don't even want to think about it."
"Don't let Ed ruin everything for you, Mag." She said. "He's just a guy. A stupid moronic asshole on top of that."
I smiled. "I know, sis." I said. "I'm trying. Things aren't as peachy here in my world. I didn't have the rock on my finger like yours." I said. "I took it a little hard as I had my hopes and dreams with him and I didn't even know what happened, and it was just gone. Just gone." I said.
She covered her hand hiding her ring. I looked up to her after I wiped my tears. I smiled. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad for being happy, Lex." I said. She nodded.
"I know." She said. "I'm sorry about Edward." She said. "But the sooner you could put him on your shit list, the sooner you can find happiness again." She said. "You can't keep dwelling on it, and keep on thinking why. Who cares, Mag? He's a moron for leaving you. Look at you and look at him!" Lexi said. "He's just a retarded man who can't stand being happy for once."
I nodded. "Yeah. He has his issue."
"He's a big boy, Mag. He made his bed." Lexi said. "Even if he ever come to his senses, I hope to God, that you would tell him hell no and go to hell!"
I was musing. Deep down I knew what she meant, but if I would hear from him - I would probably be the happiest girl in the world no matter how pathetic it sounded.
"For sure." I said. "I don't want to talk about it anymore." I said.
"Go say hi to Whit." Lexi said. "Don't be rude."
"I will! in a sec." I said.
"At the very least, Whit always knows how to make you smile."
I smiled. "So do you, Lexi." I said. She got up and hugged me. She then left the office to check on the front of the house.

 ***

Whit popped his head in to the office. He didn't wait for me to come out. I was sure Lexi told him to go to the back to see me.

"Hey you." He said.
I looked up and saw his handsome face and that made me smile instantly. "Hey!" I said.
"Busy?" he asked as he came approaching me. We hugged and he pecked me in the lips.
"uh, just a little." I said. "Just paperwork." I said. "Did you get the bread pudding?"
"Yeah. My students loved it." He said. "Thanks." He said. "Now they want to come here all the time." He said and grinned. "They couldn't believe we dated. They didn't think I was up to par for you."
"They got that right." I said and laughed. He tickled my waist as he held me in his arms..and he laughed.."Is that right?"
"You bet." I said. All of a sudden, he leaned down and kissed me. I wanted to stop it but I couldn't. I didn't wanna. He kissed me softly and deep, and for a little bit, I was lost in the sea of Whitfield Cooper that always seemed to sway me in waves of confusion.
"Was that for?" I asked when we were done with the kiss.
"Just miss you." He said. "I really do, hun." He said.
"Whit.." I said. "I didn't wanna go back there." I said. "I'm not having this conversation now either."
He nodded. "Yeah." He said. "Me neither."
I walked away to the desk. He leaned on one of the table as he watched me. "How are you feeling, otherwise Mag?" He asked.
"Fine.." I said and ignored him.
"Been sleeping better?" He asked. I nodded. "Oh yeah." I said. "Never had problem." I said.
 He smiled. "Hey..good for you. Don't call me in the middle of the night...." I cute him off, "that was one time!"
"One time in the last month!" He said. "Just asking, don't need to be defensive."
"Oh, I'm so not!" I said.
"Yeah, ok. Glad I said hi." He said. He walked away. I just looked at him walking away.

After awhile, I felt bad. I knew he meant well and just stopping by to say hi. I didn't have to be such a lousy bitch to him. So I decided to seek him out to say sorry and offer him dinner at home. When I saw him at the dining room, he was leaning so close to one of his students. This pretty young blond who looked at him with admiration and adoration. I wanted to gag for a second. That's my Whit and all his army of women fans. The guy might not be Brad Pitt or Justin Bieber, but he could practically be one. He never runs out of a gang of admirers. He could literally have a new girl every night. Why he bother with an old hag like me, I just didn't get. The reason he would he take my shit over that blonde's willing admiration was because like any other men, Whit's a dumass.

Funny thing is, no matter how I said I am over him; my blood always boils every time I have to witness an encounter of Whit and his groupies. I just hate hate hate it. At times, I wanted to show them who's boss. Especially in the old days, I had the desire to show them he's mine, and just hurt their feeling because I could. But then, I thought, he was mine and he came home to me. I owned his heart and it was satisfying enough for me without having the need to ruin someone's night or hurt their feeling. I guess one good advice my mom taught me was "treat them like you want to be treated." Thus why, no matter how immature and insecure I could get, I knew better than to act on it.

I don't lose sleep because of my actions. I always sleep good realizing I am always settled with my conscience. I don't sleep because of other people's actions. Though at times, I wish I didn't believe in karma, since why in the hell bad things happened to me when I knew I always tried my best to be good to others. However, I do believe that what goes around comes around. It just never fails.

Right about now then I had the opportunity to totally screw with someone's happiness and well being. I looked at her, and even though I hated the way she looked at Whit, I didn't have any right to do anything about it. She could very well be Whit's soul mate, somebody I knew I wasn't. But realizing not so long ago, he planted a big one on me and that he told me he missed me, was victory enough. So, I decided to just walk away and went to the kitchen. I texted him sorry and told him I would make it up for him with dinner. He said, no. Already then. I tried.

***

Then I got another text from Whit. "Tomorrow?"

Yeah, I knew that was peculiar he was saying no to dinner. I was tempted to screw with him and said I couldn't do it tomorrow. But even so, after five years and being 35 years old, I had no more games in me.

I went home late tonight. I was sore from working with Gabi and Jonah on some new recipes. We were also working on the Millefeuile that Brad wanted to do for the show. I was glad when I got home and laid in my bed. Was watching my recorded Grey's Anatomy when the phone rang. It was my mom. It was a great interlude to an ending day. I  think I would sleep ok tonight. I hope I hope.

RoTea

I had dreamed of opening RoTea for as long as I could remember. I didn't always know I wanted to be a baker. I didn't always know that my calling was opening a cool hang out place for people to enjoy fabulous tea as they would munch on my baked goods.

I spent years trying to make it as a journalist. I went and got Journalism degree at Hartford U through so much hard work, yet - I was always happiest when I baked. So, not long after my stint at CNA Headline News in Atlanta,  I decided to go back to school at the Culinary College of America as well as  multiple classes at National Baking Institute in Missouri.

After culinary and baking school, I went on many jobs working as pastry chef in several restaurants and hotels. I worked my butt off and managed to screw up every relationship that came my way because I just couldn't focus on anything else but my passion for baking. For a long time, baking was my first love and priority.

In my free time, I composed a business plan for RoTea. It was everything that I have ever wanted - my own bakery slash a place for Afternoon Tea that's not in a five star hotel, but it would give a great ambiance, great food, fantastic tea, and more. I decided to call the place "RoTea," pronounced "rotee"or "roti." It was a play-on word as roti means bread in many languages of the world. It symbolized our commitment to bread and pastry baking. The "Tea" part, well...I think that's quite obvious.

I had to thank my venture capitalist, brother in law, Dean for believing in my vision, investing in it, and loaning me the money. I was afraid mixing business with family - as I never wanted anything to go sour between my brother in law and me. I didn't know what would happen, you know? However, I was the luckiest girl in the world because my brother in law was so rich he couldn't care less for the chump change he gave me. He just didn't want me to throw it down the drain and screw it all up.

Of course I wouldn't do such a thing because little did he know that making sure my concept would take off meant so much more to me than that money meant to him. I worked day and night to make RoTea what it is today. My mom and dad also worked their ass off in the beginning to help me. So did my sister, Sophie, though literally her husband owned the place. Lexi and Tony were my pillars too. They were there every step of the way for help, support, advertisements, and free publications in the tri-state area.  Gracie and Aidan were so cute too in gobbling the cupcakes every time they came visit their auntie Maggie's shop.

I was tired all the time; but I was at my happiest. After Lexi decided to quit her job at a public relations firm, she  started to run RoTea. She's a natural leader and such a perfect front of the house person. Her PR background definitely helps, and her finance second major also did not hurt for her to manage the business of RoTea while I'm away. She's actually at times, better than me in making financial decision about the business. My mom and I worked tandem for a long time as the creative force. My mom was my inspiration and I wouldn't have my talent in baking today if it wasn't for her. Granted she's only a home baker, she's the best I know. My mom's Chinese background mixed with my dad's Irish heritage made it possible for me to bake the best Irish/Chinese steamed soda bread! Go figure.

RoTea is a beautiful place. We actually have moved location to expand our facility due to our quick success. We stayed in the Greenwich Village area where we always are, but we secured a better and bigger facility. People asked if I would franchise this place. I shook my head. Not today. Not right now. I would never say never; but, I would want every single baked goods made in RoTea to have my hand touched it somehow. People didn't get it - I opened this place for me first, then for customers to enjoy. I didn't open this place just to make money.

Our decor is quaint and cozy, yet clean and modern. I wanted to capture that high society feeling of what Afternoon Tea is often associated with when you think of The Plaza Hotel or The Four Seasons, or the old English Aristocrats while you're at it. Yet, I didn't want anything old fashion and stuffy. So Sophie and I came up with an idea using new modern furniture that had been a little bit distressed - they looked like they've been used through time, but yet they're still here and they look complementing and most of all, timeless.

Our color scheme was mainly clean color with a little splash of black and white, and vibrant colors only in flowers. Sophie found several antique mirrors that had a slight brown stained on it, but yet they looked absolutely flawless in RoTea. No, our place did not look rustic, or antique. It looks timeless, clean, crisp, yet cozy. I love RoTea like my own child.

In the main dining area, we have many couches and love seats that are decorated with abundance of pillows.  A big hearth of a fireplace also adds that comfort people seek as they sip their tea. We also have private rooms for parties such as bridal and baby showers. We only have 2 rooms, so people do have to book way in advance for special private parties.

At first, I was worried that RoTea would be pegged as women's place. Yet, we have many male clienteles now from those people that stops for a pastry for breakfast in our bakery side, as well as cops looking for a muffin when they're tired of donuts from the Bodega. Plus, I didn't realize there's plenty of hoytie toytie men in New York city.

When RoTea took off, I got featured in many culinary magazines. Next thing I knew, I was competing in a reality television to be a host for a new TV programming for CULTure Channel. I didn't win it, but I came second. They gave me my own show anyway. I did much better than the winner, Jack Donnelly, as his show was recently canceled.

Life has not been the same since I got this TV gig. I've never thought that my passion for baking would lead me here. Though I am ecstatic with my TV show, my bakery, and everything else I have going on in life; I have never imagined my life to be this way - ALONE.

Have I sold my soul to the devil? But I am doing the one thing I absolutely love in life - baking. Yet, I know I have so much  more love in me. I could share my heart, soul, and love with other thing than just baking. I really really can.

Somehow however, I was the only one who believed it. Whit, my ex boyfriend that I was with on and off for years before I met Edward, knew that I had it in there somewhere. He stuck around for a long time, and left when he couldn't take it anymore. But he never deserted me and I think he will always be there for me. At times I wanted to believe that we should or could have been meant to be. They said true love always comes back no matter what the hurdles were. Yet, we never could keep it together, and we found ourselves trying to find other people whom we hoped would be better suited to be our better half, instead of each other.

Edward loved me. I knew he did. What happened between us, I really did not understand and I couldn't fathom. I did not know why after our whirlwind crazy intense romance, and friendship he chose to end it with such bad taste. That was the only thing that I couldn't understand. That was the only thing that hurt me the most. I could handle the fact he wasn't ready. I just couldn't handle the fact why he chose to be so mean about it and how he could move on so quickly after confessing his undying love to me. He didn't keep one word he said - he didn't even try to.

I knew after all kinds of failed attempts with Whit, when I met Edward, all I wanted to do was to be good to him. I made him my first, not the bakery, and not the TV show. But at the end, he still couldn't handle the fact that I have all these things I can call my successes, and he didn't believe that he could deserve me.

All I knew now all of it were lies. It was probably just excuses he told me to break up while at the end, the actual reason was his heart was so quick to move on to something easier and less pressured. I just wanted to live life and have fun with him. All of these things I contend with every day, it could be overwhelming, but they're my world and they're fun to me. He didn't even give it a sec to embrace it. He just was afraid being swallowed in the midst of it and had nothing to give.

When RoTea would close at 8 PM for most nights, I would sit in the main dining room, laying down in the couch as my staff cleaning up the mess from service. This has been my customary routine for the last 6 months since Edward left. I would look around, and get my eyes fixated on the fire. I just felt this titanic anger building inside me. I should have felt proud of all my accomplishments, but at times, I felt it was my burden to carry and I had to be all alone to do so. I would run my hand almost every night to massage my neck after service, and I would let out a sigh.

After all of these success, I still don't feel I am accomplished. I think of myself as a visionary - someone who can see the big picture and knows what to do to accomplish the goal. I see myself as a woman who doesn't give up, and doesn't give in. I work hard and so far I've tackled every dream I had and made it a reality.

How did I manage to lose the love of my life? It sounded so miniscule compared to everything else, but that moment when the thought of it crossed my mind, I felt like the tiniest person who didn't deserve to be loved. Where have I gone wrong. When I lived my own life and did not have much time for anyone, I would lose him (or, them). When I made the effort to give him the time he deserved, he left me still. Maybe it was just me, and not how I was/am. Maybe, it was beyond me and perhaps I am just not worthy to be loved.

RoTea was everything I have ever wanted. Yet, here I am. Maybe the grass is always greener elsewhere.

Day 185 - Monday, January 28, 2011

Waking up on Monday morning is always dreadful for me. I don't feel so bad because I am sure most of you share my sentiment. I pressed the snooze button one more time. It was still dark outside. I didn't know why oh why I had to wake up already.

Work, Maggie. You have a job.

I should be grateful that I do have a job that I love. Most people would kill to be in my position, especially now when a lot of people don't even have a job or just lost their job. I couldn't possibly complaining about having to wake up on Monday morning to go to work to a job I love.

Still, it was so damn early.

After a quick wrestle with my comforter and pillow, I got myself up. Not long after, I was on my way to the studio.

Jordan, my driver, was ready, with a hot cup of LavAzza cappuccino, my favorite coffee.
"Good morning, Mag." He said with a smile.
"Thanks, Jordie." I said as I smiled at him and snagged the cup from his hand.
"What's up with the glasses?" He commented on my sunglasses. I usually would never wear it this early in the morning.
"Bags." I said. "Under my eyes." I said. "I look like hell." I said.
"Not sleeping again last night?" He asked as he started to drive away.
"No. I did." I said. "
"You lied." He said. "You're still holding too much animosity inside."
"Since when you're my therapist too?"
"You should change network." He said. "Watch a little HBO sometime..cab driver confession." He said. "Drivers make better therapist than shrinks." He said. "Besides, I won't charge you extra." He winked.
I let out  a forced smile. "Will you drive and shut up." I said. "I'm fine."

No, I know I'm not fine. It's been 185 days since we said good bye. I'm still hurting. I don't get why God had to be an Indian giver - pardon me for a lack of a better term. But I thought when you give something, you can't take it back. Why gave me the most beautiful romance I could ever ask for, and took it away in a snap? Whom should I blame?

The pathetic part is it has been 185 days. Yes, I counted. Daily. It has been 185 days. I still can't erase him out of my head.

I know that meeting the right person at the wrong time did not make it right. It was still wrong. All I could do was wondering why timing sucked. He wasn't ready for me even though he knew we could be perfect for each other. Because he wasn't at a point where he could accept me and appreciate me, it didn't matter how perfect I was.

I stopped crying though. I've been trying to let him go and let him be happy. I just want to be happy too or at least not hurting every day like I've been. I just miss him so much. I miss him every day. I didn't miss the asshole that dumped me. I miss the boyfriend that loved me.

I would give half of my blood for me to stop thinking about him the first time when I wake up and the last time before I go to bed. I would pay a year of my salary and bonus for me to erase the thought of him from my memory. I would give anything for it to end.

Jordan was right. All Jordan does daily is driving me places. Yet, he knows so much about me just from observing from that short hour in the car almost every day. I would love to confront my demon and get it beat. I feel I have done everything in my power to recover from a broken heart. This is not my first one. I have had plenty and broke plenty of hearts too. This one hurts.

Sitting in the car watching traffic of New York city - I could only muse. Sometime I am just tired. Tired of it all. I sound like such an ungrateful bitch. I know I have a lot to be thankful about. Yet, none of what I have seems to matter now. I felt like I lost everything. I am tired feeling sorry for myself, and even this LavAzza coffee couldn't perk me up.

***

Of course every one was cheery this fine Monday. The studio was alive and buzzing with every production assistant, producer, intern, crews, doing their best to show sense of urgency in getting things done.

Florian Abrams, the chef and host of "Handmade,"passed me with a big smile as he tapped my butt lightly..

"C'mon, Maggie Mae, smile for me! It's a beautiful day!"
"You must be on crack, Abrams." I said. "It's snowing!"
"So what? What do you have against some little fluffy snowflakes? You look like my aunt came to visit you."
I laughed. "Hahaha."
"Uhh.... a smile..a laugh even!" He said. He hugged me and kissed my forehead, "Cheer up, sweetie."
he said.
"Why every body think I need to cheer up? I'm happy!" I said and cracked a smile. "Your Aunt Flo did not visit me either." I said and smacked him softly in the chest.
"Ok, I believe you." He said. He tipped my sunglasses. "I thought you had been crying again. I guess you were just trying to look cool wearing shades indoor. You're not a rapper, you know. You're a cook."
"I just look like hell this morning." I said. "I have oversize bags under my eyes." I said. "I just want to sleep." I said.

Every body seemed to be in consensus today about the fact that I looked doomed and gloomed as usual. It wasn't really solely because of Edward. It was just because life has changed, again. This time for the worse.

Bella,  my assistant, came screaming...

"OMG, Maggie! There you are! Brad wants you now. Like right now."

Florian and I looked at each other and made faces. "Time to go, Mag." He said.
"See you later, Flo."

Meeting with Brad was like any other meeting with Brad. He was quick in screaming ideas and going through the show ideas. I just listened. He snapped his fingers to me a couple of times. Brad is the Vice President of Production and Programming at the CULTure Channel - television cable channel taylored for the Cult like followers who appreciate cultures around the world through travel, food, customs, and living.

I am the host of one of their programs called "The Underrated Baker." I bake. Not only dessert items. Anything I make will need an oven.

So far, people seem to love my show. They just signed my second season contract. They signed me even with my up and down moods. I'm not a household name like some of the giants in the culinary world - far from it. However,  I like my little gig, and my little tea place I run with my little sister, Lexi.

Going back to Brad, he wanted me to do a show on making a Millefeuile. I was like - great. Like I knew how.

The rest of the day was filling me in on the production plan for tomorrow's taping, episode on Valentine's cookies. Yay. My favorite. Not. This whole thing was just pure torture. It wasn't my idea to even give it a thought on a Hallmark holiday, especially when, I am not exactly in love. Right now, I despise everything pink, cheery, heart, chocolate, candy, and red underwear. Crap. But, come tomorrow, I will roll out that dough and make cut out heart cookies with a smile.

***

Finally the afternoon came. Walking in to my Tea House, "RoTea,"" I was all smile. This place always makes me smile. The name means "bread" in many languages, roti. It was a play-on word, showing that the place is filled with baked goods, and we serve the best Afternoon Tea in town. I may not be able to compete with the Ritz-Carltons and the Mandarin Orientals of the world in the business of Afternoon Tea, but I have my own happy client pool and they simply love my baked good creations and my long list of Tea selection.

My sister, Lexi, is a God-sent. She's my business manager as well as the General Manager of RoTea. Without her, I wouldn't be able to materialize the concept and keep it running. My other sister, Sophie, is an independently wealthy woman who's married to New York's best funded trust fund baby. I love my brother in law, Dean, who worships the ground that my sister walks on. For a guy that rich, you would think he would be a huge asshole. He's  the sweetest guy and he showers my sister with love and money. She travels and shops, and still manage an antique boutique slash studio. She travels the world finding the coolest, freakiest artifacts. She also buys me my tea. Thus why, my tea selection is like none other.

We are a great team, us sister. Our oldest brother, Tony, is a successful Attorney specializing in patent law. He married his college sweetheart, an exotic half Indian half British woman, Padma Anjali nee Collins, now Fitzgerald. They gave me a beautiful niece, Gracie, and a handsome nephew, Aidan. We always help each other, whether it is in business, family gathering, or baby sitting.

I am happy that all my siblings seem to have a great family life. Lexi is engaged to be married to her long time boyfriend, Drew. I thought, for once, I would get the same luck as my beloved sisters and brother. But, nope. It wasn't my time yet.

Jonah, our master baker, was finishing  up a dough of cream scones with chocolate chips. I joined him and started to cut some dough for the oven. I swear, all my troubles disappear anytime I am in the kitchen. I just love the smell of my kitchen. I took a look around - this cool state of the art bakery is mine. All these huge Hobart mixers, the convection ovens which radiating heatwave right now, all these pots and pans...all mine. I stopped for a minute to say thanks. See, I didn't always forget. I am not always ungrateful. I do have my moments of feeling sorry for myself. At the end, I knew I am still better off than most. I knew I am much better off than Edward, that jerk that broke my heart.

Day 185 went by like any other day. Little by little I did notice I have gotten a little more at peace. Day 185 I did my usual routine of work with little splashes of blessings of having friends like Florian, Jordan, Jonah and my sister, Lexi. Little by little, I did notice that I could handle the  truth, and I found strength in pain.

I did wish however that I did not have to find this strength. Not this way. Yet, when I laid down my head tonight, I felt a little peace that Day 185 has passed and that I had some laughs and contentment today. I closed my eyes and Edward splashed in my thought. I opened my eyes and saw the clock has passed midnight, 12:35 AM.

Day 186 is here. I still feel the same.